Mike and I had been talking about starting a family for awhile, we were just praying about the timing. We had been married a year and a half, and after lots of prayers, we finally felt that we were ready to start trying. And miraculously, our first shot at trying, in May 2017, Mike and I found out we were expecting a bundle of joy. I will never forget that morning. It was a Friday, I got up to take a pregnancy test, Mike was still laying in bed, and that 3 minute wait while that tiny timer was ticking, felt like the longest 3 minutes of my life. Then all of a sudden, it changed from the timer to YES!! I couldn't believe it! I ran into our bedroom, jumped on Mike's side of the bed, and showed him the test, and he said "No way. No way." And we both started laughing and he pulled me down on to the bed and hugged me as we both looked at the test. We couldn't stop giggling, and were just in a bit of shock. We were going to be parents! We were so grateful to have been blessed with a baby on our first try, we were just so excited.
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| The morning we found out we were EXPECTING!!! |
I remember going to work that morning and just being on cloud nine. I have wanted to be a Mom since before I can remember, that's all I've ever wanted, and to finally be on that path, it felt surreal. Even though it was so new, Mike and I knew we wouldn't be able to keep this secret from our families, so we decided to tell our immediate family since we wanted them to share in this excitement with us! Needless to say our families were overjoyed and just as shocked as we were that it happened so fast. Over the course of the next week Mike and I kept texting each other about how excited we were and how unreal it was. January was going to be here before we knew it!
Then on Thursday of the next week, I started to lightly spot. It was just a little at first, so I didn't think anything of it, until the next few times I used the restroom, the spotting got a little more pink in color, and it was more in volume. That is when I decided to call the advice nurse. She said that if it continued and increased to call back. Later that night, I started to experience cramping, more spotting, and needless to say, a lot of worrying. It was about 3 am and Mike told me to call the doctor. They told me to come in the next morning to get a blood test to measure my HCG levels, and then they would be able to tell us more. So the next morning, we went in, got the blood test, and just had to wait. I continued to bleed, and in my heart I think I knew, but I just didn't want to accept it. Sunday morning rolled around, I was laying on the couch with my feet elevated, when I received the email. It was very short, just stating that my levels were so low, and that I had miscarried. I instantly burst into tears, and just didn't know how to feel. Mike was wonderful and incredibly supportive, but I could tell that it was hitting him hard too.
The next week just happened to be the last week of school, so thankfully I had a lot of fun activities and a wonderful class to keep my mind off it, it was a nice distraction. But once the school year ended, and I started summer break-while summer break is always a welcome joy, I think it was actually really hard on me because I had so much time on my hands to dwell on the loss. I felt like I was constantly in my head, and couldn't get away from my grief.
I felt like I wasn't myself, and I couldn't shake myself out of this hole I was in. And I think the frustrating part was some people said to me, I know trying to make me feel better, "You were only pregnant for a week, it could have been a lot worse." First off, while I was only pregnant a week, that doesn't change the fact that I had a life growing inside me that Mike and I created and I had waited for my entire life. The instant I read YES on that pregnancy test, I felt like I was Mom. And I will be the first to say, that yes, we were incredibly lucky to have experienced our loss the way we did. Yes, it did happen early, my body was able to process the loss on its own, I didn't need any extra procedures, and it happened over the weekend so I wasn't at work. So yes, God blessed us with a pregnancy, and he also blessed us with a smooth miscarriage as well. So that is definitely not lost on me. I can't imagine losing a baby when you are further along, I just don't think it negates the loss that we felt.
But through this loss, I was able to connect with quite a few women who have experienced miscarriage, it actually happens more often than you think. It was so nice to be able to speak with these women, hear their experiences, what they went through emotionally, it was really helpful and made me feel that I wasn't alone. I had a friend who miscarried a year before I did, and when it happened, my heart broke for her, but I could never really understand what she was going through until I experienced it on my own. I can now say that I feel it bonded us even further, because it is almost like a club that we are now both part of and can be a support system to each other. So while miscarriage is a terrible tragedy, I do believe that there is good that can come from it.
So to any mamas out there who have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, please know that you are not alone. You are strong, you will get through it, and all our babies are up in heaven together looking down on us. While this is one of the hardest things you will ever go through in your life, I whole heartedly believe that God has a plan for us and for our future little ones, and we will get through it.
Stay strong xoxo
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